


It's About Time I Got Off

by Mrgoodbar



Series: Promise Me Forever [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Am I tagging right?, Cap v. Steve, I'm Sorry, M/M, Quite triggering I imagine, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Notes, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:47:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrgoodbar/pseuds/Mrgoodbar
Summary: And Captain America killed Steve Rogers because Steve Rogers no longer exists.What does exist is a shell.It eats. It drinks. It sleeps. It breaths.It doesn't care.I’m that shell.I do what I need to survive. But that’s it; I am surviving. I am not living.AKA, Steve Dies.I'm sorry. (This looks like it's first person POV, just like to point out that it isn't. Well, for the most part.)





	It's About Time I Got Off

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, Everyone! If you're reading this, thanks, and I'm sorry. This is pretty sad, but you did click on it. I recommend reading the first one, you don't have too, but I think it will make reading this one better. 
> 
> Promise Me Forever was supposed to be a one-shot, but then my mind wandered and I was like, _Hey, what if... _and Voila. Here is It's About Time I Got Off.__
> 
> __  
> _If there are any Captain America writers out there in search of a beta, go check out[Cap Beta Finders](https://capbetafinders.tumblr.com). (Psst, I'm on it.) There are some really great betas over there. Also, if you're a beta, you can go over there and fill out the submission form and be on the list. It's super easy. _  
> __  
> _Hope you enjoy! Constructive criticism always welcome, but keep it nice :)_  
> 

> I was sixteen years old when I fell in love with Bucky Barnes.
> 
> I want to say that I feel hard and fast. I didn’t. It wasn’t like any of those cheesy romance movies that Natasha forced me to watch, no, I fell in love with him slowly; It was so achingly slow that I didn’t even realize it for a long time.
> 
> I had an epiphany on July 4th, 1934, also known as my sixteenth birthday; I was in love with James Buchanan Barnes.
> 
> Bucky had a job down at the docks and he had managed to save enough money for the two of us to go to the pictures. We saw a new science fiction movie called Gold. I wasn’t a huge fan of sci-fi movies, but I insisted on that one because Bucky was the biggest nerd to ever live. I knew it would make him happy, so Gold we would watch.
> 
> The movie was good but I couldn’t keep my attention on the screen. My eyes wandered to Bucky.
> 
> He was beautiful. I don’t think I can ever forget the breathtaking view I had through that movie.
> 
> Bucky’s eyes were fixated on the screen. His hair was artfully rumpled. The screen showed a pale light on him and it pronounced his sharp jaw line. My fingers ached for a pencil.
> 
> He was handsome, overly even.
> 
> I realized that I couldn’t live without him. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have him. I wanted to be by his side always, I never wanted him to leave me.
> 
> I loved him.
> 
> I was in love with him.
> 
> It was during that small epiphany that I realized I can’t love him, not ever.
> 
> I turned my head back to the screen and didn’t look back at him.
> 
> It was in 1943, nine years later, when I was a few months past my twenty-fifth birthday when we made love for the first time.
> 
> It was also in 1943, nine years later, that we made love for the last and only time.
> 
> Fear kept us from doing anything more than necking. During the war, we lived in thin tents. We couldn’t- wouldn’t risk being caught.
> 
> So, in 1943, nine years after I realized I loved James Buchanan Barnes, we made love in our terribly cramped one bedroom apartment.
> 
> And it was perfect.
> 
> You’re probably asking why I’m mentioning this in my suicide letter. Well, here it is:
> 
> I can’t be Captain America anymore.
> 
> I can’t be Steve Rogers anymore.
> 
> Captain America is an idea. He isn’t a person. He’s the leader, the protector, the symbol of our nation. He’s special, unique. A hero.
> 
> Steve Rogers is a man. He is nothing special. Just a man. America doesn’t want a man to protect them, no. They want Captain America. The Hero.
> 
> And Captain America killed Steve Rogers because Steve Rogers no longer exists.
> 
> What does exist is a shell.
> 
> It eats. It drinks. It sleeps. It breaths.
> 
> It doesn't care.
> 
> I’m that shell.
> 
> I do what I need to survive. But that’s it; I am surviving. I am not living.
> 
> I became Captain America for one reason: To Save Bucky.
> 
> History books depict me as a nation loving hero who became Captain America for one thing: I wanted to help our country win the war.
> 
> That is the lie.
> 
> That’s the lie that I’ve been living every day of my life. From the second the Rebirth machine opened until you found this letter.
> 
> I am no longer a person. I’m a shell of what I used to be.
> 
> To be a person, you need a heart. And my heart died the moment Bucky Barnes died.
> 
> My heart died. It shriveled up and vanished from existence.
> 
> But, I crashed the Valkyrie. I embraced Death.
> 
> I was going to be with him again.
> 
> But instead, I woke up in the future.
> 
> I woke up in the future where not only was everything different, strange and scary but everyone I knew and loved, was dead.
> 
> I was a shell.
> 
> But it got slightly better.
> 
> I got happier, I guess.
> 
> I didn’t feel so empty anymore.
> 
> Then D.C happened. Hydra happened. The Winter Soldier happened.
> 
> Bucky happened.
> 
> It was like a blink of my eyes, and he was alive.
> 
> He was standing in front of me, breathing, alive.
> 
> The love of my life was alive.
> 
> But, then the shell came back.
> 
> I let Hydra torture and erase memories from him for over seventy years.
> 
> I woke up on the bank of the Potomac and he was gone.
> 
> He rescued me, then left me.
> 
> The shell came back, but then I found him. And I felt whole again.
> 
> Then I had to watch him die. Again. And, again, it was my fault.
> 
> I can’t describe what it feels like to watch someone you love die two times.
> 
> I can’t describe what it’s like to watch the love of your life killed before your own eyes twice.
> 
> It hurts, even more, the second time.
> 
> My name is Steven Grant Rogers. I was born on July 4th, 1918. I am Captain America. I have lived two lives. I have died two deaths.
> 
> I was in love with James Buchanan Barnes. He is the reason that the Great ‘Captain America’ is real. I picked up the shield for him and I’ll gladly put it down for him as well.
> 
> This is my suicide note.
> 
> It’s the end of the line for me.
> 
> It’s about time I got off.
> 
> ~Steven Grant Rogers

 

* * *

 

 

It was a dark and dreary day at the end of May when Natasha and Sam found the note sitting on the small kitchen table in the small house on the outskirts of Birnin Zana that T’Challa graciously gave Steve.

Natasha and Sam walked into the house without knocking like they normally did.

“Steve,” Sam yelled out.

It was earlier in the morning, seven o’clock sharp.

“He might still be sleeping,” Natasha suggested quietly. After what the media had dubbed ‘The Civil War’, Steve’s depression grew and they both could tell. They all could. That’s why they all took turns visiting Steve every morning and every night.

Silently as they could, they walked into the kitchen. It was when Sam went to the refrigerator to find himself a drink that Natasha noticed the note.

She picked it up and read it.

“We need to find Steve. Now.” Natasha’s eyes were wide and she was tense. For the first time in forever, Sam saw what Natasha Romanoff, the infamous Black Widow, looked like when she was scarred.

And it was chilling.

Fear had wrapped it’s cold talons around Sam’s heart and squeezed.

“Steve!” He bellowed.

Silence. No response.

They made haste to the stairs. Taking the steps two at a time, they managed to get to the top in record time. Steve’s bedroom was to the left of the stairs.

The door was closed.

“Steve,” Natasha called out as the crept toward the door.

Silence. No response.

Natasha’s hand reached out for the doorknob but she hesitated before opening it.

Sam almost wished she hadn’t opened it.

\---

Captain America was mourned Worldwide. America had turned July 5th into Captain America Day. They gave him back his title and forever encased him in the idea of perfection; Captain America was the perfect hero, he fought for the betterment of our nation. He died protecting it.

England threw a parade in honor of the sacrifices and accomplishments Captain America made for the War. They built a statue. There was a funeral. But it was Captain America’s funeral.

No one knew it was suicide. They hid it from the populations. They didn’t want anyone to know that the strongest man, their hero, killed himself. Captain America died from an attack of a rogue Hydra agent. No more details were given.

Steve Rogers was mourned on a smaller scale. The ceremony was small. It was held in Brooklyn and he would be buried next to Bucky Barnes. All his friends showed up; The Avengers, Nick Fury, Maria Hill, T’Challa, Phil Coulson, Sharon Carter. Steve Rogers died in an act of suicide. They all read the note he left.

To the World, he’d be remembered as the First Avenger. To them, he’d be remembered as their teammate, their idol… their friend.

No one talked and when the ceremony ended, they just got into their cars and left.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Sorry. :( For those curious souls, Birnin Zana is the Capital of Wakanda. You can check out more [Here](http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Wakanda).
> 
> Come say Hi on [Tumblr](https://mrgoodbar11213.tumblr.com)!


End file.
